Black Manta Rules

Manta Collider

2008-09-09T10:56:00.000-07:00

Check and mate:

Love from France/Switzerland,
B.M.

Dr. Manthatta

2008-09-07T20:19:00.000-07:00

Having been away for some months, I've most recently had the opportunity to catch up on my movie watching...and I see this trailer full of nonsense: Watchmen. Come on! The Almighty Manta has been around way longer than those jokers and they get a movie first? Give me a break...and that guy, Rorschach. What the hell kinda name is that anyways. Is that Greek? Whoever heard of a Greek superhero...

And all the wailing and gnashing of nerdy teeth over this suckfest...makes me sick. You think us super-types would wait in line for months arguing about a movie concerning your ordinary human lives? Of course not, cause we're super. We have better things to not do, than think about you wimps. And while you're plunking down $15 hard earned bucks to go see a bunch of boring heroes without submersible helmets bitch about their broken marriages, those same heroes are out stiffing waiters, staring at your girlfriend's boobies and generally giving a rat's ass about how much you just LOVE their story. Who watches the Watchmen? You do...and they love your money for it.

I'm not bitter. I just call 'em as I see 'em:

Now on the other hand...if someone would be so gracious as to make a Black Manta Movie I would most certainly greet everyone of you at the first screening, with balloons and Manta-rides. All five of you.

You heard it here first non-believers,
B.M.

Biden My Time

2008-09-03T19:59:00.000-07:00

Greetings once again sub creatures. It is I, The Manta Who Walks Among You. It has been some time since I graced you with my presence, and for that I am not sorry. It is you who should have sought me out, not the other way around! Whilst I was out pounding the campaign trail for your futures, you sat on your fishy duffs, waiting for the next hand out. You fools! That is how we ended up with the likes of Ack-Wa Man and Soupermang running the show in the first place! Are you ingrates willing to sit back and let that happen for another 60 years!?

But I digress. My purpose in hailing you was to not lord over your endless failings as registered voters, but to provide you with the proper leadership during those dark days I am unable to be your guiding lighthouse...and by that, I mean to say...I have officially dropped out of the running for United States President and plan to endorse the only real candidate in this rat race: Barack Obama.

I know, I know. I too thought of myself as the shoe-in. However the shoe horn of popular politics has long scorned my soul. But fear not my brainless minions, this Obama seems to know what he is doing. And Biden is a former Scrantonite. You may not be aware, but Your Lord and Manta has a soft spot for that po-dunk town: I arranged my first illegal arms deal there. Ahhh, the good old days. So as Lord Of The Seas and Master Of All Things Aquatic I hereby renounce the political land scape and return to the job I was born to rule: menacing the undersea joke known as Ack-Wa Man.

Get ready gillsucker...I've been training with the likes of Hillary and McCain. You're fish food next to that crowd.

The Main Manta

Black Manta Olympics

2008-08-13T16:38:00.000-07:00

Since Aquaman has taken over the olympics.....Black Manta has left his ship, and started training for 2012 Olympics......watch out The Black Manta will show you how to win a couple metals silly boy!!!

The Prince Of Lies and the Count of Deceit

2008-07-28T12:53:00.000-07:00

SHENNANNIGANS!

A is for Argentina

2008-07-20T21:15:00.000-07:00

Manta Reads

2008-06-22T14:08:00.000-07:00

it has come to my attention, having most recently scanned the aisles of my local comic book shop, that there is a severe drought of good material to be found. in fact, there is little to any good comic nourishment to be found these days. with that said, and as your all knowing, all doing leader, i have taken it upon myself to guide you through the sargasso that is the present comic book market...

read #1. pick up mark millar's 'old man logan' today. while it has a few chiche moments, and various nods to an excessive amount of dead marvel characters, it is one of the best end o' the world stories this villain has read since cormac mccarthy's 'the road'. it is 'unforgiven' for wolverine fans, and 'mad max' for everyone else...

read #2. when you're done with that, dig up 'thor: ages of thunder'. almost as good as rob rodi's 'loki' (and thats not rod roddy of 'price is right fame'). the art is tremendous, and if you like your thor righteous and pissed at everyone (including his old man), then its your cup of mead. really worth the four dollar crucifixion they hit you with. and if they don't get you, i will for not buying it:

may odin bless your mess,
bm

Punisher: Bore Zone

2008-06-20T10:51:00.000-07:00

You know who plays a tough guy? Ray Stevenson; the same guy who played Titus Pullo in HBO's Rome. You know who is a pretty tough character? The Punisher; as in the same character that has at one point or another killed every single superhero out there.

Perfect match right?!

That is until you hand it off to Lionsgate (of Saw 1 - 210 fame) and fuck the whole thing up. Punisher is the only character who can pull of the dirty, gritty, realism of 'Heat' or 'The Proposition' and here we get Dolph Lungren part 2.

Manta says 'boooo' this trash...

Mister Sparkle

2008-06-20T10:32:00.000-07:00

Tiger Manta

2008-06-20T10:28:00.001-07:00

Actors Who Played Villains: Joker Romero

2008-06-20T09:17:00.001-07:00

A few fun facts about Cesar Romero (aka, 60s Joker)

1) Never shaved his iconic mustache. Even in Joker face.
2) Was always available for variety shows, which you can read out here.
3) Had more of a thing for Burt Ward than Julie Newmar
4) Was quite possibly the love child of one of Cuba's most famous poets and revolutionaries.

Actors Who Played Villains: Schwarzen-gator

2008-06-10T21:50:00.001-07:00

Some know him as the Govenator...others, the villain who told Gotham to 'chill out'. Manta prefers the man who taunted Lou Ferrigno till he cried in 'Pumping Iron'. Here's the big guy going at it with yet another one of his outrageous workout routines...

Actors Who Played Villains: The Grin Goblin

2008-06-10T14:02:00.000-07:00

Believe it or not, this is a live feed from William Dafoe's bathroom...

Manta Dismises "Nightmare Ticket"

2008-06-04T06:33:00.000-07:00

BMR- In a radio interview Presidential Candidate Black Manta has dismissed rumors of a possible Nightmare ticket, between himself and United Fascist Union Presidential Nominee Jack Grimes. Mr. Manta has been campaigning as an independent although many members of the UFU had hoped he would rally support with in their party, which shares many of the same radical ideas as Mr. Manta.
Mr. Manta was asked by the Radio Host, "What are the chances of yourself and Jack Grimes finally coming together and campaigning under one banner."
"About as strong as Ak-wa man surrendering himself freely as a pirate and terrorist. I respect Mr. Grimes and all he has done for the fascist movement in America. We both take pages from the same play book when it comes to how government should be run. A single dictator is the most efficient way to run a country, and eventually the world. There are a few significant differences that prevent me from being able to consider him a running mate. Jack Grimes and the good people of the UFU want to replace Christianity and all organized religion with a reinstatement of the Greek and Roman pantheon. I don't have any plans to forcibly replace religion, instead I simply offer a new religion, the worship of Manta.
Again though I have to mention I respect Mr. Grimes greatly and hope that in the future we can work together. There will always be a place for him in Manta-America, perhaps he may govern the new region of Mantalvania."

Campaign Update: Graduation Time

2008-06-02T19:15:00.001-07:00

BMR: Presidential hopeful Black Manta was the key note speaker at The University of Kansas commencement ceremony. Mr. Manta began by asking, "Where's the Beach?" . The intention was to be a humorous quip at Kansas for being a land locked state. The audience did not immediately understand the joke, although a member of the audience dressed in what some described as a winged wet suite did initiate a slow clap that ended with only a handful of participants, all wearing wet suites.
When the few supporters calmed down Mr. Manta continued, "Today is a defining moment. It is a chance to move forward into the real world with the knowledge and experience from four years of education, at least for those of you who did not waste your time and money on useless degrees. I will speak to those who have no future later. For now I will address those with real potential, the scientists, business men, engineers, urban planners, and doctors of the future. Today I welcome you to a world of opportunity, go forth and take all you can, you deserve it. Always remember that everything you want is owed to you, and no man or sea creature should stop you from taking it."
Mr. Manta then related a tale from his youth, "When I was just a young man, enslaved by pirates I had to learn this lesson the hard way. The captain of the ship was becoming bored on a particularly hot afternoon and called for his men to arrange a Shat-z-beata, a fight to the death between two slave. The winner would become a freeman, the loser would die. I was chosen from the hordes of slaves to fight my dearest friend aboard, a slim boy named Hassan. We were armed with wet towels. For in Shat-z-beeta one must kill his opponent with brutal towel wiping. Hassan was my only friend, but I knew he was standing between me and my greatest desire, freedom. So I whipped him in each eye blinding him, then I shoved my towel down his throat till it completely clogged his airway, and laughed as struggled for life. Remember that when you enter the work force"
Mr. Manta also commented on students are entering an era of decisive action, and fear. "In this time of fear it is important to act decisively to maintain that control over the general public."
Mr. Manta then asked all graduates with the following degrees; Literature, Fine Arts, Psychology, Communications, and Ethnic Studies, to cover their ears and hum loudly as to not hear his next part, for it is not meant for them.
"Look around you at the fools who have chosen to waste their time and money on the study of humanity, they are sheep to the slaughter and you my colleges of wealth and success are the nematic pistons that will kill and then sheer them."

Legends of the Internet Vol. 1

2008-05-23T14:51:00.000-07:00

If there is any great truth to be squeezed out of the Internet, it is thus: look hard enough and you can find ANYTHING. And as many of you already know, I have a comment for just about anything. But some stuff, I just don't know where to begin. Case and point: during a routine search of mermaid art I found this guy...

...now I love mermaids as much as the next emotionally unstable, tin-helmet wearing fella; however, Ed here takes mer-folk to a whole new level. Of course this is the pot calling the kettle black on weirdo niche sites but last time I checked there aren't any pictures of me shirtless, luring men to their lusty deaths either.

B.M.

Daft Manta

2008-05-21T13:51:00.001-07:00

Campaing Trail Update

2008-05-20T09:26:00.000-07:00

"BMR"- Black Manta, the third party Presidential Candidate addressed an enthusiastic crowd at a National Rifle Association Convention in New Hampshire. Black Manta is hoping for an endorsement from the National Rifle Association, which advocates lower restriction on personal Firearms.
Mr. Manta for the first time seems to have found a crowd receptive to his Ideals. The Crowd cheered at many of Mr. Mantas dramatic remarks, even joined him in an awkwardly long laughing bout. "The Constitution does not just grant Citizens the right to bear arms, it demands it. This country exists because it's citizens built it with bullets and blood. Once the right to bear arms is taken away, the citizens will need them even more, for that is a government that needs to be overthrown. As President, I will lead an assault on anyone who tries to take your guns away." Black Manta.

Recently legislation has been proposed to close "The Gun Show Loop Hole" that is used as a means to purchase and sell firearms with out background checks, and waiting period. Mr. Manta also Commented on this. " Gun Shows are an important part of the black market, I have dealt in the black market for decades, and will do everything I can to ensure that untraceable firearms remain with in the system. I will also push for legislation that makes experimental, nuclear, and radioactive weapons more easily available. Our for fathers had the most advanced

Black Manta's campaign has been struggling to find resonance amongst American voters, although today seemed to be a true turning point. Many in attendance immediately joined Mr. Manta's campaign as volunteers, these volunteers have been dubbed, Manta-men in an homage to the Minutemen of the revolutionary war.

Mr. Manta's volunteer base has become a subject of interest to many Political Analyst. Professor Zoom of Central City University has been a long time supporter of Mr. Manta spoke of the demographics Mr. Manta appeals to. "Most Candidates draw volunteers who are young college graduates looking to for their first foot in the door situation. Or are retirees trying to keep active. Black Manta is able to rally under educated men with little to no independent thought. This is a huge demographic that can really be manipulated and will follow a strong leader no matter how petty or foolish the objective may be."

Manta Game '76

2008-05-14T09:56:00.000-07:00

Lady of the Lake said "Last night Ack-Wa Man screamed because he got a trident stuck in his ______."

It was the decade of hallucinogens. His fortune had been squandered on ineffective weapons of destruction from overseas. Star City had been reduced to rubble. Manta was forced to take each menial job that was offered to him in order to rebuild his mighty empire. But they would all soon pay for his humiliation...beginning with the sea-hag in the top center panel. In that place of honor should rightly sit the mighty sea king. Soon, Brett Somers would feel the wrath of the Manta. But first, he would help Gladys win the Star Wheel Bonus Round.

Say Na'More!

2008-05-14T05:19:00.000-07:00

Ok Ack-wa poser...take some notes:

1) His name is the Submariner. Both the word 'sub', which is awesome as a food or a weapon, and the word 'marine', which can kill someone by staring at them, are in it. Whata you got? Aquaman. Come on! At least make it AquaHombre and grow a 'stash or something...

2) He only comes up to the surface for a couple of things; to wipe out humanity, talk to Dr. Doom or make out with someones wife. And they call this fucker a hero! How about you stud? When is the last time Superman called saying 'Hey, um...we're cool right?' Yep...thassss what I though...

3) He talk to fishes, breaths underwater, and can FUCKING FLY! This makes all the difference in the world fella. You can have all the Ack-wa Lads and talking seahorses you want; at the end of the day when Prince Namor gets bored of patrolling his kingdom (and it is his...no one dares fuck with him) all he has to do is fly over to Fantasta-Quarters and get his fishy freak on with Invisible Virginity Girl. You my friend have a Sea-Doo that gets 5 miles to the gallon and Wonder Woman wouldn't be caught dead on.

Now, I'll admit...I don't know who looks worse because of this, you or me. You, for being the douche bag you are, or me for being the douche bag who is always trying to knock you off. Whatever the case, pick up the game man! And I don't mean by losing another fucking hand...get a tatoo or some shit. Marry a famous model. Anything! My reputation is in the crapper as it is. And if I throw in the towel, Luthor and all those assholes will just call me a quitter and...well...Manta doesn't roll like that.

Not too mention..there is a lot of money sunk into this damn helmet and Manta-sub. I got some 40 odd years behind me in this jalopy and I mean to get my fucking money's worth for another 40 (I also Blue Booked it last year...even if you don't factor in decades of body odor, I'll lose my ass on a trade in). So be a good nemesis and get your act together!

Alright, well shit...thats that. I'm sorry if I came off strong, but man...we're better than this.

Peace,
B.M.

Campaign Trail Update

2008-05-14T03:06:00.001-07:00

B.M.R.- Third Party Presidential Candidate Black Manta met with Union members yesterday to discuss his economic stimulus plans.

"The only way we are going to get this country back on track is to bring back industry. America used to build things, atomic submarines, Death Rays, seismic disruptor machines, and of course secret fortresses. Over the past decades we have outsourced our industry, outsourced our jobs, outsourced our pride. When I become ruler I will bring industry back to these shores, and the best way to do that is with the complete destruction of labor unions. The working class will build my machines, and instead of payment they will be allowed to breath for as long as my machines are built."

Mr. Manta's speech was met with few cheers. The crowd was not pleased with his ideas of life in exchange for labor. "This Manta Fella, will never get away with this. Not as long as the Teamsters local 508 is here" Stated an orange and green clad union member.
Some Members of the Crowd even shouted, "Go back to your stealth submersible lair". Mr. Manta has been having trouble gaining momentum in any states that are currently members of the United States of America, although he has gained a lot of support from foreign leaders including the planet of Apakolips

There was some support for Mr. Manta, several members of corporate management were impressed with his ideas for economic growth. Despite not being able to please the crowd the campaign stop became a good source of funding.
Local Union Member objects
To Mr. Manta's speech.

One supporter was quoted as saying "Black Manta, be the best ever. I gonna vote for him. I also support his policy of Killing all Ack-wa Man."

A New Canidate

2008-05-13T17:40:00.001-07:00

AP "Associated Press"- In a surprise press conference somewhere beneath the ocean, Maritime Entrepreneur Black Manta has announced he will run for president as a third party candidate. Black Manta has alluded to a possible political career before. In a video conference call he was told the current U.N. Assembled, "Soon you will all follow the will of BLACK MANTA."
When asked why he has chosen to announce his candidacy very late in comparison to his rivals Mr. Manta responded "Black Manta finds no need for a long primary campaign, when the complete destruction of his adversaries is inevitable."
Many Third Party Political Analysts were stunned that Black Manta has decided not to run as a member of The United Fascist Union. This could be because of a recent rift with in the party over who shall be supreme ruler once the world is united into a Confederacy of Countries. Black Manta may also have left the party due to The United Fascist Union refusal to classify the ocean as a sovereign nation.
At his press conference Mr. Manta outlined the main steps of his presidential platform.
1. Federal health care for all Americans.
2. Increased jobs.
3. Continued economic growth by lowering restrictions against pollutants in the water.
4. Continued fight against terrorism, especially activities of Ack-wa Man.
5. Reduce the deficit.

When asked by a reporter if his presidential campaign was a ploy to use Federal resources to advance his own corporate interests, Mr. Manta responded by throwing a spear through the chest of the reporter. He the shouted "This press conference is over" and blasted through the ceiling on a rocket powered podium.

Senior Prom, 1986

2008-05-12T11:51:00.000-07:00

With the help of his high school chums Lex Luthor, Gorilla Grodd and Chad Sinestro, Black Manta was able to land a date for his senior prom in the spring of 1986. The lucky girl? Swim team captain and yearbook editor, Lyn Palowoski. Unfortunately the night would progress as a seemingly endless string of embarrassing prom cliches: Lyn's inability to pin on Black Manta's corsage, the Manta Sub running out of gas on the way there, Lyn's conjuring of dark spirits to destroy several classmates and chaperones. And the night was still young...
At approximately 10:25, halfway through Don Johnson's smash hit "Heartbeat", Black Manta noticed that his date had gone missing. After an hour of searching, he would find her in the home team dugout, red plastic cup of Midori & Coke in hand, sucking face with Chris Skeletor.
It was revealed to Black Manta at this point, that Lyn had only agreed to go to prom with him as part of a bet she had made with Chris, that she couldn't take the biggest freak in school to the prom. To this day, Black Manta still cites this incident as the absolute nadir of his career in villainy. And that's counting the time his plot to destroy Atlantis was thwarted by a sea anemone.

Black Manta's Rules

2008-05-10T14:12:00.000-07:00

Greetings Junior Manta Members and welcome to yet another rousing installment of Black Manta's Rules: a monthly reflection on all things top shelf and worldly according to our very own illustrious leader...Black Manta!

Thank you. As always, it is my pleasure to have this opportunity to address you, the future Manta Men & Women of...the future.

Today we will be delving into the hot and heavy world of aphrodisiacs; in particular the oyster myth. For centuries mankind has sought a natural way in which to make the opposite sex swoon without having to work too hard or look too good. From Horny Goat Weed to Spanish Fly, man has gone to great lengths to make his length become great; and with flaccid results. Modern medicine and deviant Internet sites have provided a great deal of assistance, but humanity still looks to mother nature on occasion for that home run. And no other creature, with perhaps the exception of Brian Dennehy, has been the target of lustful prayers like the oyster.

And whom do we have to thank for all this sexual tom-foolery in our seafood? That's right, say it loud...ACK-WA MAN! Shortly after World War II, The King of the Seas embarked on a world wide propaganda campaign that made this bold, yet simple claim: consuming large amounts of oysters would induce a sexual frenzy in human beings. His research and proof were as snake-oiled as they come; but what the hell, if you believe a guy can breath underwater and talk to guppies, why not horny oysters? The country, and the world for that matter, was ripe for this type of fad and Ack-Wa Perv was spinning it like a hula-hoop in a dryer. But what really did the dirty dog have to gain by saying oysters will get you laid?

Big money dollars. Lots of 'em.

The Atlantian economy was mired in an economic sargasso by the early 50s. Centuries of bloody revolutions and inbreeding had left Ack-Wa's kingdom little more than an underwater Delaware. And as the United States and Russia ramped up for a long Cold War, His Royal Fishness figured he could pull the oyster card on either nation and thereby save his crown. His pitch: should nuclear winter fall upon the world, it would be the country whose citizens were getting busy in the bomb shelters and the fallout bunkers that would rule the roost after the fact. More people born, more chances to spread their particular post-apocalyptic ideology.

Not exactly the most ingenious of plans, seeing as humanity would have nothing better to do than screw its radiated brains after WWIII, with or without the help of some canned clams. However, Congress ate it up, hook, line and oyster. From there Atlantian Royal Canneries in cooperation with the US FDA, embarked on one of the greatest marketing campaigns this nation has ever seen: Acky's Oysters. In bomb shelters and grocery stores across the country folks were lining their shelves with sexually infused mussels and hunkering down for a nice piece of patriotic sex-pie; courtesy of Mr. Fishdick and the atomic age. Please note the suggestive tag line at the bottom of this vintage can...

There you have it friends. Underwater politics turned psycho-nomical warfare. Call it population promotion, call it keep 'em fucking. Whatever the case, Khrushchev was not biting into the same rotten crabcake as his Puritan brothers across the pond. He saw right through the underwater huckster and threatened to deep fry Ack-Wa's scallops should he ever return to Moscow. In the end, despite a considerable investment return, Acky's proved to be a public health disaster in the United States, with thousands of people becoming dreadfully ill instead of sexually charged, and was pulled from the shelves only 2 years after its initial development. Today Acky's Oysters are just another chunk of forgotten Americana, littering the halls of Ebay and antique fisheries around the globe.

Yet the urban legend lives on...

...but despite their creepy erotic appearance, and whatever Ack-Wa Pimp says, the fact is oysters have no proven sexual side effects; good or bad. This also holds true for most purported aphrodisiacs; chocolate, celery, dried Brian Dennehy; all fairly innocuous in their own way. However, combine these items, or anything for that matter, with a boot-knocking, spit-swapping frame of mind and you'll have a full on Atlantian orgy in no time! Which leads me to Black Manta's Rule of the month:

Black Manta's Rule #42: The libido, its all in your head fella.

So next time you want to make a move on a fellow Junior Manta Member, don't reach for an oyster. That's what Ack-Wa Man would do. Instead, reach for her brain...and tell her, Manta sent ya.

Till next month,
B.M.

Junior Prom, 1985

2008-05-08T12:18:00.000-07:00

Though Black Manta would eventually put to good use his being more sinister and menacing than most people, it was quite the liability at the time of his Junior Prom. Due to his belief that "asking a girl to prom" entailed hurling his trident through their locker door when they least expected it, he would attend the event stag.

Thankfully, his luck would change the following year. Well, kinda. (to be continued...)