Manta Collider

Check and mate:

Love from France/Switzerland,
B.M.

Dr. Manthatta

Having been away for some months, I've most recently had the opportunity to catch up on my movie watching...and I see this trailer full of nonsense: Watchmen. Come on! The Almighty Manta has been around way longer than those jokers and they get a movie first? Give me a break...and that guy, Rorschach. What the hell kinda name is that anyways. Is that Greek? Whoever heard of a Greek superhero...

And all the wailing and gnashing of nerdy teeth over this suckfest...makes me sick. You think us super-types would wait in line for months arguing about a movie concerning your ordinary human lives? Of course not, cause we're super. We have better things to not do, than think about you wimps. And while you're plunking down $15 hard earned bucks to go see a bunch of boring heroes without submersible helmets bitch about their broken marriages, those same heroes are out stiffing waiters, staring at your girlfriend's boobies and generally giving a rat's ass about how much you just LOVE their story. Who watches the Watchmen? You do...and they love your money for it.

I'm not bitter. I just call 'em as I see 'em:

Now on the other hand...if someone would be so gracious as to make a Black Manta Movie I would most certainly greet everyone of you at the first screening, with balloons and Manta-rides. All five of you.

You heard it here first non-believers,
B.M.

Biden My Time

Greetings once again sub creatures. It is I, The Manta Who Walks Among You. It has been some time since I graced you with my presence, and for that I am not sorry. It is you who should have sought me out, not the other way around! Whilst I was out pounding the campaign trail for your futures, you sat on your fishy duffs, waiting for the next hand out. You fools! That is how we ended up with the likes of Ack-Wa Man and Soupermang running the show in the first place! Are you ingrates willing to sit back and let that happen for another 60 years!?


But I digress. My purpose in hailing you was to not lord over your endless failings as registered voters, but to provide you with the proper leadership during those dark days I am unable to be your guiding lighthouse...and by that, I mean to say...I have officially dropped out of the running for United States President and plan to endorse the only real candidate in this rat race: Barack Obama.

I know, I know. I too thought of myself as the shoe-in. However the shoe horn of popular politics has long scorned my soul. But fear not my brainless minions, this Obama seems to know what he is doing. And Biden is a former Scrantonite. You may not be aware, but Your Lord and Manta has a soft spot for that po-dunk town: I arranged my first illegal arms deal there. Ahhh, the good old days. So as Lord Of The Seas and Master Of All Things Aquatic I hereby renounce the political land scape and return to the job I was born to rule: menacing the undersea joke known as Ack-Wa Man.

Get ready gillsucker...I've been training with the likes of Hillary and McCain. You're fish food next to that crowd.

The Main Manta

Manta Reads

it has come to my attention, having most recently scanned the aisles of my local comic book shop, that there is a severe drought of good material to be found. in fact, there is little to any good comic nourishment to be found these days. with that said, and as your all knowing, all doing leader, i have taken it upon myself to guide you through the sargasso that is the present comic book market...

read #1. pick up mark millar's 'old man logan' today. while it has a few chiche moments, and various nods to an excessive amount of dead marvel characters, it is one of the best end o' the world stories this villain has read since cormac mccarthy's 'the road'. it is 'unforgiven' for wolverine fans, and 'mad max' for everyone else...

read #2. when you're done with that, dig up 'thor: ages of thunder'. almost as good as rob rodi's 'loki' (and thats not rod roddy of 'price is right fame'). the art is tremendous, and if you like your thor righteous and pissed at everyone (including his old man), then its your cup of mead. really worth the four dollar crucifixion they hit you with. and if they don't get you, i will for not buying it:

may odin bless your mess,
bm

Punisher: Bore Zone

You know who plays a tough guy? Ray Stevenson; the same guy who played Titus Pullo in HBO's Rome. You know who is a pretty tough character? The Punisher; as in the same character that has at one point or another killed every single superhero out there.

Perfect match right?!

That is until you hand it off to Lionsgate (of Saw 1 - 210 fame) and fuck the whole thing up. Punisher is the only character who can pull of the dirty, gritty, realism of 'Heat' or 'The Proposition' and here we get Dolph Lungren part 2.

Manta says 'boooo' this trash...

Mister Sparkle

Tiger Manta

Legends of the Internet Vol. 1

If there is any great truth to be squeezed out of the Internet, it is thus: look hard enough and you can find ANYTHING. And as many of you already know, I have a comment for just about anything. But some stuff, I just don't know where to begin. Case and point: during a routine search of mermaid art I found this guy...

...now I love mermaids as much as the next emotionally unstable, tin-helmet wearing fella; however, Ed here takes mer-folk to a whole new level. Of course this is the pot calling the kettle black on weirdo niche sites but last time I checked there aren't any pictures of me shirtless, luring men to their lusty deaths either.

B.M.

Say Na'More!

Ok Ack-wa poser...take some notes:

1) His name is the Submariner. Both the word 'sub', which is awesome as a food or a weapon, and the word 'marine', which can kill someone by staring at them, are in it. Whata you got? Aquaman. Come on! At least make it AquaHombre and grow a 'stash or something...

2) He only comes up to the surface for a couple of things; to wipe out humanity, talk to Dr. Doom or make out with someones wife. And they call this fucker a hero! How about you stud? When is the last time Superman called saying 'Hey, um...we're cool right?' Yep...thassss what I though...

3) He talk to fishes, breaths underwater, and can FUCKING FLY! This makes all the difference in the world fella. You can have all the Ack-wa Lads and talking seahorses you want; at the end of the day when Prince Namor gets bored of patrolling his kingdom (and it is his...no one dares fuck with him) all he has to do is fly over to Fantasta-Quarters and get his fishy freak on with Invisible Virginity Girl. You my friend have a Sea-Doo that gets 5 miles to the gallon and Wonder Woman wouldn't be caught dead on.

Now, I'll admit...I don't know who looks worse because of this, you or me. You, for being the douche bag you are, or me for being the douche bag who is always trying to knock you off. Whatever the case, pick up the game man! And I don't mean by losing another fucking hand...get a tatoo or some shit. Marry a famous model. Anything! My reputation is in the crapper as it is. And if I throw in the towel, Luthor and all those assholes will just call me a quitter and...well...Manta doesn't roll like that.

Not too mention..there is a lot of money sunk into this damn helmet and Manta-sub. I got some 40 odd years behind me in this jalopy and I mean to get my fucking money's worth for another 40 (I also Blue Booked it last year...even if you don't factor in decades of body odor, I'll lose my ass on a trade in). So be a good nemesis and get your act together!

Alright, well shit...thats that. I'm sorry if I came off strong, but man...we're better than this.

Peace,
B.M.

Campaign Trail Update

B.M.R.- Third Party Presidential Candidate Black Manta met with Union members yesterday to discuss his economic stimulus plans.

"The only way we are going to get this country back on track is to bring back industry. America used to build things, atomic submarines, Death Rays, seismic disruptor machines, and of course secret fortresses. Over the past decades we have outsourced our industry, outsourced our jobs, outsourced our pride. When I become ruler I will bring industry back to these shores, and the best way to do that is with the complete destruction of labor unions. The working class will build my machines, and instead of payment they will be allowed to breath for as long as my machines are built."

Mr. Manta's speech was met with few cheers. The crowd was not pleased with his ideas of life in exchange for labor. "This Manta Fella, will never get away with this. Not as long as the Teamsters local 508 is here" Stated an orange and green clad union member.
Some Members of the Crowd even shouted, "Go back to your stealth submersible lair". Mr. Manta has been having trouble gaining momentum in any states that are currently members of the United States of America, although he has gained a lot of support from foreign leaders including the planet of Apakolips

There was some support for Mr. Manta, several members of corporate management were impressed with his ideas for economic growth. Despite not being able to please the crowd the campaign stop became a good source of funding.
Local Union Member objects
To Mr. Manta's speech.

One supporter was quoted as saying "Black Manta, be the best ever. I gonna vote for him. I also support his policy of Killing all Ack-wa Man."

A New Canidate

AP "Associated Press"- In a surprise press conference somewhere beneath the ocean, Maritime Entrepreneur Black Manta has announced he will run for president as a third party candidate. Black Manta has alluded to a possible political career before. In a video conference call he was told the current U.N. Assembled, "Soon you will all follow the will of BLACK MANTA."
When asked why he has chosen to announce his candidacy very late in comparison to his rivals Mr. Manta responded "Black Manta finds no need for a long primary campaign, when the complete destruction of his adversaries is inevitable."
Many Third Party Political Analysts were stunned that Black Manta has decided not to run as a member of The United Fascist Union. This could be because of a recent rift with in the party over who shall be supreme ruler once the world is united into a Confederacy of Countries. Black Manta may also have left the party due to The United Fascist Union refusal to classify the ocean as a sovereign nation.
At his press conference Mr. Manta outlined the main steps of his presidential platform.
1. Federal health care for all Americans.
2. Increased jobs.
3. Continued economic growth by lowering restrictions against pollutants in the water.
4. Continued fight against terrorism, especially activities of Ack-wa Man.
5. Reduce the deficit.

When asked by a reporter if his presidential campaign was a ploy to use Federal resources to advance his own corporate interests, Mr. Manta responded by throwing a spear through the chest of the reporter. He the shouted "This press conference is over" and blasted through the ceiling on a rocket powered podium.

Black Manta's Rules

Greetings Junior Manta Members and welcome to yet another rousing installment of Black Manta's Rules: a monthly reflection on all things top shelf and worldly according to our very own illustrious leader...Black Manta!

Thank you. As always, it is my pleasure to have this opportunity to address you, the future Manta Men & Women of...the future.

Today we will be delving into the hot and heavy world of aphrodisiacs; in particular the oyster myth. For centuries mankind has sought a natural way in which to make the opposite sex swoon without having to work too hard or look too good. From Horny Goat Weed to Spanish Fly, man has gone to great lengths to make his length become great; and with flaccid results. Modern medicine and deviant Internet sites have provided a great deal of assistance, but humanity still looks to mother nature on occasion for that home run. And no other creature, with perhaps the exception of Brian Dennehy, has been the target of lustful prayers like the oyster.


And whom do we have to thank for all this sexual tom-foolery in our seafood? That's right, say it loud...ACK-WA MAN! Shortly after World War II, The King of the Seas embarked on a world wide propaganda campaign that made this bold, yet simple claim: consuming large amounts of oysters would induce a sexual frenzy in human beings. His research and proof were as snake-oiled as they come; but what the hell, if you believe a guy can breath underwater and talk to guppies, why not horny oysters? The country, and the world for that matter, was ripe for this type of fad and Ack-Wa Perv was spinning it like a hula-hoop in a dryer. But what really did the dirty dog have to gain by saying oysters will get you laid?

Big money dollars. Lots of 'em.

The Atlantian economy was mired in an economic sargasso by the early 50s. Centuries of bloody revolutions and inbreeding had left Ack-Wa's kingdom little more than an underwater Delaware. And as the United States and Russia ramped up for a long Cold War, His Royal Fishness figured he could pull the oyster card on either nation and thereby save his crown. His pitch: should nuclear winter fall upon the world, it would be the country whose citizens were getting busy in the bomb shelters and the fallout bunkers that would rule the roost after the fact. More people born, more chances to spread their particular post-apocalyptic ideology.

Not exactly the most ingenious of plans, seeing as humanity would have nothing better to do than screw its radiated brains after WWIII, with or without the help of some canned clams. However, Congress ate it up, hook, line and oyster. From there Atlantian Royal Canneries in cooperation with the US FDA, embarked on one of the greatest marketing campaigns this nation has ever seen: Acky's Oysters. In bomb shelters and grocery stores across the country folks were lining their shelves with sexually infused mussels and hunkering down for a nice piece of patriotic sex-pie; courtesy of Mr. Fishdick and the atomic age. Please note the suggestive tag line at the bottom of this vintage can...

There you have it friends. Underwater politics turned psycho-nomical warfare. Call it population promotion, call it keep 'em fucking. Whatever the case, Khrushchev was not biting into the same rotten crabcake as his Puritan brothers across the pond. He saw right through the underwater huckster and threatened to deep fry Ack-Wa's scallops should he ever return to Moscow. In the end, despite a considerable investment return, Acky's proved to be a public health disaster in the United States, with thousands of people becoming dreadfully ill instead of sexually charged, and was pulled from the shelves only 2 years after its initial development. Today Acky's Oysters are just another chunk of forgotten Americana, littering the halls of Ebay and antique fisheries around the globe.

Yet the urban legend lives on...

...but despite their creepy erotic appearance, and whatever Ack-Wa Pimp says, the fact is oysters have no proven sexual side effects; good or bad. This also holds true for most purported aphrodisiacs; chocolate, celery, dried Brian Dennehy; all fairly innocuous in their own way. However, combine these items, or anything for that matter, with a boot-knocking, spit-swapping frame of mind and you'll have a full on Atlantian orgy in no time! Which leads me to Black Manta's Rule of the month:

Black Manta's Rule #42: The libido, its all in your head fella.

So next time you want to make a move on a fellow Junior Manta Member, don't reach for an oyster. That's what Ack-Wa Man would do. Instead, reach for her brain...and tell her, Manta sent ya.

Till next month,
B.M.

Junior Manta Member #867

WANTED: Dead, or Seriously F’d Up
CRIME: Ack-Wa Man Sympathizer, Poor Fashion Sense, Bald
REWARD: One Million Manta Bucks

Exhibit A; Please note the symbol and image splayed across the accused's chest:


Any other information leading to the capture of this idiot should be forwarded to:

Judge B. Manta
2nd District Manta Court
231 Manta Hall,
Mantlanta, USA

Manta-lodon

The following documentary footage, shot by Junior Manta Member #77, depicts a power mad Ack-wa Man allowing creatures of the deep to feast upon a yacht full of wealthy socialites. Fortunately, all the sacks of money and gems stashed in the hull of their craft was secured by Junior Manta #77 before he perished in a tragic stairwell accident...also committed by Ack-wa Man.

Mant-pez

I'm not saying we should...I'm just saying, why not? I mean, Heathcliff got one for Manta's sakes...

Manta's Vineyard

Not since Jackie Mason took over the abandoned golf course in Cutty Hunk had the citizens of Cape Cod witnessed such a graphic display of disregard and indecency...

Box Office Gold

Screw you, Hollywood! For years you have canceled pitch meetings with the mighty Black Manta and rejected his treatments. Your claims that Black Manta is a "fourth-tier nemesis" and that I "won't play in middle America" are unfounded, and you will pay for your hubris!
Junior Manta Fan Club members- Join me in boycotting this latest piece of Hollywood schlock!

May your domestic returns not cover your ad overhead,

B. Manta

Mantuhotep I (Egypt, 2134 BC)

Mantuhotep I occupied the throne of Egypt for appx. 28 minutes in 2134 BC while his first cousin, Pharaoh Mentuhotep I, occupied the auxiliary throne after consuming some bad dates.

The Message

Black Manta Failed Evil Scheme #56: "The Message"

In April of 1982, Black Manta took on the nom de plume "Grandmanta Flash" in order to release a 12" rap single that contained a subliminal message. When played, the song would command land-dwelling humans to take to the seas to hunt down and destroy Ack-wa Man. The plan began to take hold late in the month when Philadelphia radio station WUSL spun the track, and the streets responded. There were numerous accounts of people driving their cars into the ocean, diving headlong into the Delaware River, and drowning in swimming pools. The chaos, however, was short-lived.
A mere two weeks later, the similarly named and virtually identical Grandmaster Flash & The Furious Five released their debut LP, also called "The Message." The record would go platinum in its first month of release, and effectively sink Grandmanta's effort for good. Its depiction of the harsh reality of life in the inner city seemed to strike a deeper chord with music fans, when compared to Grandmanta's version, which was essentially an anti-Ack-wa Man tirade set over the instrumental track of A Taste of Honey's "Boogie Oogie Oogie."
In January of 1983 Grandmanta retired from the music scene and returned to his first love, trying to impale Ack-wa Man with a trident.

Manta's Chocolate Factory

Needless to say, there were some difficulties at first...