Greetings Junior Manta Members and welcome to yet another rousing installment of Black Manta's Rules: a monthly reflection on all things top shelf and worldly according to our very own illustrious leader...Black Manta!
Thank you. As always, it is my pleasure to have this opportunity to address you, the future Manta Men & Women of...the future.
Today we will be
delving into the hot and heavy world of
aphrodisiacs; in particular the oyster myth. For centuries mankind has sought a natural way in which to make the opposite sex swoon without having to work too hard or look too good. From Horny Goat Weed to Spanish Fly, man has gone to great lengths to make his length become great; and with
flaccid results. Modern medicine and deviant Internet sites have provided a great deal of assistance, but humanity still looks to mother nature on occasion for that
home run. And no other creature, with perhaps the exception of Brian
Dennehy, has been the target of lustful prayers like the oyster.
And whom do we have to thank for all this sexual tom-foolery in our seafood?
That's right, say it loud...
ACK-WA MAN! Shortly after World War II, The King of the Seas embarked on a
world wide propaganda campaign that made this bold, yet simple claim: consuming large amounts of oysters would induce a sexual
frenzy in human beings. His research and proof were as snake-oiled as they come; but what the hell, if you believe a guy can breath underwater and talk to guppies, why not horny oysters? The country, and the world for that matter, was ripe for this type of fad and
Ack-
Wa Perv was spinning it like a
hula-hoop in a dryer. But what really did the dirty dog have to gain by saying oysters will get you laid?
Big money dollars. Lots of 'em.
The
Atlantian economy was mired in an economic
sargasso by the early 50s. Centuries of bloody revolutions and inbreeding had left
Ack-
Wa's kingdom little more than an underwater
Delaware. And as the United States and Russia ramped up for a long Cold War, His Royal
Fishness figured he could pull the oyster card on either nation and thereby save his crown. His pitch: should nuclear winter fall upon the world, it would be the country whose citizens were getting busy in the
bomb shelters and the fallout bunkers that would rule the roost after the fact. More people born, more chances to spread their particular post-
apocalyptic ideology.
Not exactly the most ingenious of plans, seeing as humanity would have nothing better to do than screw its radiated brains after
WWIII, with or without the help of some canned clams. However, Congress ate it up, hook, line and oyster. From there
Atlantian Royal Canneries in cooperation with the
US FDA, embarked on one of the greatest marketing campaigns this nation has ever seen:
Acky's Oysters. In bomb shelters and grocery stores across the country folks were lining their shelves with sexually infused mussels and hunkering down for a nice piece of patriotic sex-pie; courtesy of Mr.
Fishdick and the atomic age. Please note the suggestive tag line at the bottom of this vintage can...
There you have it friends. Underwater politics turned psycho-
nomical warfare. Call it population promotion, call it keep 'em fucking. Whatever the case, Khrushchev was not biting into the same rotten
crabcake as his Puritan brothers across the pond. He saw right through the underwater huckster and threatened to deep fry
Ack-
Wa's scallops should he ever return to Moscow. In the end, despite a considerable investment return,
Acky's proved to be a public health disaster in the United States, with thousands of people becoming dreadfully ill instead of sexually charged, and was pulled from the shelves only 2 years after its initial development. Today
Acky's Oysters are just another chunk of forgotten Americana, littering the halls of
Ebay and antique fisheries around the globe.
Yet the urban legend lives on...
...but despite their creepy erotic appearance, and whatever
Ack-
Wa Pimp says, the fact is oysters have no proven sexual side effects; good or bad. This also holds true for most
purported aphrodisiacs; chocolate, celery, dried Brian
Dennehy; all fairly innocuous in their own way. However, combine these items, or anything for that matter, with a
boot-knocking, spit-swapping frame of mind and you'll have a full on
Atlantian orgy in no time! Which leads me to Black Manta's Rule of the month:
Black Manta's Rule #42: The libido, its all in your head fella.
So next time you want to make a move on a fellow Junior Manta Member, don't reach for an oyster.
That's what
Ack-
Wa Man would do. Instead, reach for her brain...and tell her, Manta sent ya.
Till next month,
B.M.
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